I try to hold onto my faith on a daily basis.
Try to keep my head up and be optimistic when things go pear shaped.
I try to keep a positive outlook…not letting myself get beat down by the things that don’t go my way when I think they should.
But lately, I find myself struggling with this desire to just stomp my feet like a two year old and say simply that it isn’t fair.
The things I’m frustrated with, in retrospect, are pretty petty and insignificant. Pretty juvenile if you want me to be honest with you [which is totally not my demeanor and personality]. I’ve found myself itching for more than I have and being slightly jealous of those that have it.
My husband will tell you that when I get something in my head, something that I want or think that I need, I can be a pain in the butt…a force to be reckoned with.
I get this idea and I run with it…itching to make it happen, do what I want to do, accomplish whatever it is that I think needs accomplishing.
In a lot of ways this isn’t a bad thing. It means that I have drive and determination and a willingness to do what it takes to go after what I want.
But, other times, it has caused me some heartache and disappointment.
For instance, our “adventure” in trying to conceive and have another baby. Once I decided I wanted a baby and was ready to have a second child, that was it. I was ready right then. And part of me really
stupidly and naivly thought that it would be that easy. That just because we’d reached the point of being ready for baby #2, that is would happen. Just like that. Needless to say, seven or eight months into this thing, and I’ve realized that things don’t just happen like that.
At least, not for me.
I know that in the grand scheme of things my worldly and fleshly desires are insignificant. That when it comes down to it, the things on this earth just don’t matter.
I get that.
But, as much as I hate to own up to it, I’m human and I’m flawed.
And patience, is not my strong suite.
Neither is faith, it seems.
Because during times like this…times that I’m being told to just sit and wait or be patient, I find myself floundering. Doubting. Wondering why I even bother. Why it matters.
Asking myself and God “Why Do I even bother to ask and pray and seek your help when you don’t seem to care what I want? You’re supposed to know the desires of my heart…well, I desire so do something about it.”
Okay. So that’s not the actual conversation I have with God, but you get the idea. Selfishness, Pride, Arrogance…all of those things that just really aren’t cool in God’s eyes. Things that really don’t make for good character.
And in the midst of all of that angst and pride and frustration, God opens my eyes and shows me all that I do have. All that I’ve already been blessed with:
My husband and my son. I’ve got a home, a warm bed to sleep in every night, food on my table, a nice car to drive, clothes to wear and friends to enjoy life with. I’ve got more “stuff” than I really need and I run my own business…which allows me to do what I love more than anything-be with my son.
Even though there are things that I want-a bigger house, another baby, a new camera-I have what I need.
Does that make my desire for more go away?
But it sure does put things in perspective and open my eyes to what really and truly matters.