A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how hard it can be to be overly excited for your pregnant friends when you yourself are having a hard time getting pregnant.
I was overwhelmed by the support I received from all of you; your comments, your encouragement, your stories of struggle. So many of you have been where I am now and I am grateful for your willingness to share that part of yourself with me.
But, with the kind and encouraging comments, came the questionable ones. The ones that were left anonymously (and not so anonymously). The ones that weren’t so understanding; the ones that said I was offensive to others who had struggled with “diagnosed” infertility (meaning that they are medically considered infertile because of the length of unsuccessful attempts at conception). Messages and comments that very clearly stated that maybe I didn’t have the right to be complaining. After all, I have one child already, right? So why complain? It’s not like I don’t have any.
Those comments hurt.
In fact, I think I cried over one of them.
All of sudden, the pain and the hurt that I was feeling, wasn’t good enough.
In their eyes, I haven’t suffered enough.
Waited long enough.
Endured enough.
It felt like I was being told that until I had suffered as long as some of the others, until my pain had reached a more elevated level, I needed to just sit and suffer in silence.
When did having children become a competition?
Wait…let me rephrase that…
When did trying to have a child become a competition?
We’ve just started on our seventh month in this journey to add to our family. It isn’t an eternity, and certainly not nearly as lengthy as some others have endured. But that doesn’t make my desire to have another baby any different than anyone else’s.
It doesn’t make the hurt that comes with every negative test fade.
It doesn’t make it any easier to swallow the feeling that everyone is getting pregnant right now except me.
Fertility (or lack thereof) isn’t a contest.
It isn’t a race where the winner waits the longest and the prize is the right to feel sad about not having a baby.
To those who have suffered longer than I have, I commend you for your faith and for your struggle. I can not fathom the journey that some of you have been on.
But to those of you who are on the path with me, struggling to make sense of this new place you’re in; waiting impatiently for those beautiful two pink lines you’ve desperately been hoping for…those of you who feel the twinges of pain with every new announcement of pregnancy you read on Facebook or Twitter…
You are NOT alone.
And you have the RIGHT to feel whatever you want to feel.
You have the RIGHT to hurt and be sad.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
You don’t have to suffer in silence.
Because in the end, pain is pain, no matter how long you’ve been enduring it.
Have you struggled with conception and adding to your family?
Did you ever feel like your “pain” wasn’t good enough?
I was selected for this post by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.
I’m also sharing this post today with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.
About Courtney
It is sad that women would say that to you, every woman in your situation had the right to grieve and discus there emotions on this. I don’t condone what they said and the fact that they where so harsh to you about it. Just remember, that for the ones who don’t have children, they are hurting bad too – and sometime hurt, and emotion make us say hurtful things to others.
Keep strong hun! Thank you for the encouragement. Your advice here can be applied in more then one situation
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You’re right. Sometimes our own emotions get in the way and we say things we don’t really mean. We’ve all done it, and I try not to hold anything like that over someones head. We’re all entitled to our own feelings. Which is why I tread carefully around subjects such as this. Everyone is fighting a harder battle in one way or another.
Twitter: CreativGrlMedia
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I just read that post yesterday, and I found myself thinking (before I even got to the end of the post)…”Does she even take fertility drugs? Does she just get to have sex each month with no worries about doctors and meds and ultrasounds and thousands of dollars worth of….” But then I stopped. I thought to myself… I have been where she is. I have been at that stage, and it was just as painful for me then, as THIS stage (of meds and doctors and all that jazz) is for me now. I mean sure – I’ve been through a lot of heartache, been trying a little longer, spent more money, more tears…but it DOES NOT make it hurt any more than you hurt. The same for women who are even further along in their struggle than I am. Those who on their third IVF, or maybe are doing surrogacy. They maybe have been through more, but it doesn’t take away MY pain, or make it LESS painful in any way. So thanks for posting this. I hope we both get lucky enough to get pregnant soon – but if it doesn’t happen right away, we’ll at least be there for one another right?!!??!
Exactly. Everything you just said. My heart BREAKS for those who have been struggling with infertility for months (and years!) I can’t imagine the pain and the gut-wrenching ache that is felt. I think ultimately, what ties us all together, is the desire to have a child (or another child, in my case). That ache is the same for all of us, no matter how much money is spent, how many meds are taken, and how long the journey has been. And I appreciate, so much, the understanding from people like you who have walked this road and been on this journey a little bit longer. Sending up lots and lots of baby dust for you!! HUGS!
Twitter: mommaparrott
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I have so many friends who have struggled with this and you are right-on-the-money when it comes to the hurt being the same. Hang in there sweet friend and know that so many people who care about you are praying for your entire family.
Thank you so much, Michelle. I really, really appreciate the prayers and the support.
It makes everything so much easier.
I’m sorry that someone would imply you don’t have the right to be sad. That is crazy. I’m not exactly in the same boat, but sort of. I want another baby right now but my husband wants to wait till he graduates so I’ll be waiting at least another year. Waiting stinks. No matter how long it’s been, it all stinks.
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You are right. Waiting isn’t my favorite “game” to play either. I’m not the worlds most patient person; especially when it’s something I really have my heart set on. Saying a prayer for you, too, my friend.
I know I’ve said it before but I’ve so been where you are right now! While we were trying we were in the month before I was supposed to start fertility meds and I got pregnant (thank goodness, I was not wanting to do the drugs). There was a girl who was trying (and still is) with no success and lots and lots and lots of drugs and tests and procedures and she just kept making me feel like because I had ONLY been trying for like 1.5 years and was NOT on meds, I wasn’t really having “trouble” getting pregnant, that I shouldn’t feel bad when others get pregnant and that she BETTER get pregnant before me. I felt bad for her but at the same time, I wanted to smack her! LOL! She wasn’t the only one who was like that so I totally know that people can be mean and all you want to do is back-hand them for thinking your struggle is any less than theirs just because your current situation is different.
I totally know where you are and am here anytime you want to talk friend!
Jessica recently posted..Comment on old phone pics by Michelle Parrott
Thank you, Jessica! I try to remember that people like that (the one that you mentioned in your comment and the ones who made comments about my post), are hurting. People say things out of hurt that they would never say otherwise. I can usually let them roll off my back. Glad you guys got your precious little miracle!
My sweet, sweet eldest daughter. Do not let others tell you how you should or should not feel. That is why God gave each one of us our very own heart and soul. You have the right to feel the feelings that you do. Yes, to some it is an eternity and to others it is a dream that is never fulfilled. However, that does not give anyone the right to tell you or others that their feelings are wrong. Just keep
Thank you, mama.
You’ve always been my biggest supporter and I love you dearly for that.
Nuff said..well said…pain IS pain.
leah aka FFPMaMMa recently posted..If I could speak Samoan
Thank you, Leah.
pain is never a competition. I do think though that it makes people say things they wouldn’t normally say–hurt is a powerful scary place. I am sorry for your pain and so sorry you had to read hurting words on your own blog. Be strong and know you are supported.
wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..Inspiration Looks Like This
Thank you, Wendy. I wholeheartedly agree. People say things sometimes out of hurt that they would never say otherwise. Pain, fear and despair can turn us into something/someone that we never meant to be. I appreciate your support so much!
While this is not something that I’ve dealt with, I always say that we all have something hard to deal with.
And just b/c someone else can come along and say that they have it worse doesn’t mean that what we deal with isn’t still HARD.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: A Frightening Parenting Moment
Thank you, Shell. My thoughts exactly. Who am I to judge the circumstance that you are in and tell you that you aren’t hurting, and vice-versa.
Oh gosh my entire comment was deleted. Ugh!
I’m sorry y’all have been doing through this. Lboy was such a surprise for us, that it was really hard for me to plan this baby because every month that I got a negative pregnancy test it was so disappointing.
I’m also really sorry that you got negative feedback. That’s just stupid & not fair.
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Uh-oh! Sorry your comment was deleted.
Thats no fun…
Those negative tests are for the birds. But I’m so excited for you! And wishing you a happy, healthy 9 months!! Are you thinking boy or girl this time?
Good luck on trying!!! I am sure I will soon see a post that says your expecting. Best wishes love!
Thank you, Summer! I sure hope I get to post one of those really, really soon!!
I have had a hard time keeping up with everyone’s blogs lately. So I’m a little behind with all of this! I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. My sister and her hubby TTC for 2 years and were unsuccessful (she was diagnosed with PCOS) and after a lot of frustration and tears, and a lot of money – they finally have their miracles! (she’s pregnant with twins). Anyway, I tell you this because I was very inspired by my sisters persistence. She knew what she wanted and she kept going for it… and eventually it paid off! And you too, will have your miracle! I know you will.
And from experience with my sister, I know that saying things like “it just takes time”, “be patient”, “it will happen when the time is right”… all of those things never help so I will not say them to you. I will just say that I’m thinking about you! xoxo
Mandy@ asortafairytale recently posted..Our Saturday mornings.
I’m reading this comment now and my heart is BREAKING for your family and your sister. Please pass along a hug and let her know that there are so many of us out here that are praying for her and for her beautiful babies. And congrats to you on your little announcement! I totally think it’s going to be another boy.
Twitter: envoutant
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Yes…SO TRUE. I am sorry people have been hurtful. That makes it sl much harder. I remember when we were trying for our second baby, and waiting, my cousin announced she was pregnant, and it was so hard. I sobbed later. But felt bad that I wasn’t thrilled for her. Your feelings are YOUR feelings, and no one should tell you what hurts you. It’s not something you can really control, ya know? Hang in there. Saying a prayer for you!
Austin-Lee recently posted..Reminded
Thank you! I had a good long sob fest the other day when I read another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. It’s a very bittersweet emotion…feeling happy and devastated at the same time.
before I had my big lil’ it took us a year before we got pregnant. that year was rough… and you are right… pain is pain and you are so within your own to feel the way that you do!!!!!! your experience is your own!!! you can only feel what is happening to you.. so why would others make you feel like what you are experiencing is any less…. I think that is what happens all too often in motherhood… “you think you have it rough with two kid… try having 5″! Its ridiculous… and worth ignoring! God’s timing is perfect and I can’t wait to see your road to two unfold… SO EXCITED!!!
Syreena recently posted..{HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BROTHER…}
Thank you, Syreena! Your comment really made me smile. We each feel emotions in different ways; it’s one of the things that make us so unique. I appreciate your support and your encouragement!
Of course you have the right to be sad and no one should even imply otherwise!! Just because you are in a different stage doesn’t mean you don’t hurt!
That being said…
After a post on my blog about my own infertility I got a facebook message from a lady “encouraging” me. She said she had been where I had and completely understood the pain I was dealing with. She wanted to get pregnant with her THIRD child but after three failed months she gave up. Once she relaxed she was able to conceive on the fourth month. So I just need to stop worrying about it and trust God. Ummm hello?! My reaction was like the ones you were talking about. How dare she think she can understand what I am going through! There is a big difference between 4 months and 2 years! Relax? Relax?! No, I’m not infertile because I need to “relax”. Go ask my doctor.
She was legitimately sad and I’m sure those 4 months were hard for her but she belittled my pain when she pretended to understand and put herself as equal with my actual infertility.
I’m not saying that’s what YOU did in your post but I am saying that those who were so mean may have taken it that way. You have every right to be sad… 7 months feels like an eternity… it’s the point where I started to understand something wasn’t right. I shed a lot of tears that first year… it’s when the fear became reality for me. But those who were mean to you, wrong as they were for acting that way, may have thought you were trying to understand what they feel like. That lady who “encouraged” me on Facebook tried to pretend she understood my pain but unless she had gone 2 years TTC then she couldn’t… just like I can’t pretend to understand someone who has gone 5+ years, or had several miscarriages or has spent thousands on IVF. We all want a baby and that hurts but we can’t really understand each other’s pain unless we’ve walked in those shoes.
Please know I am NOT condoning what those women said to you at all! You have EVERY right to be upset and shame on them for belittling YOUR pain! I am just trying to give you what might be their perspective.
(I wrote a book! Sorry!)
Mandi recently posted..The Day Begins…
I agree. And I try to always tread lightly in these waters; talking about fertility and babies and having kids. It’s a touchy subject for so many people and I don’t want to offend anyone. And I don’t pretend to understand at ALL what your pain (or anyone else who has been battling this for years on end) is like. I think the overall point I was trying to make here is that we all feel things differently; we all hurt differently. And no one, no matter if they’ve been trying for one month or five years, should throw aside or belittle anyone else’s hurt because of their own. I’m eerily more aware of this subject and its sensitivity now that I’m facing this myself. Like you said, we can’t understand one another’s pain until we’ve walked in those shoes. Thanks for always being so supportive and understanding. I can’t tell you what that means.
This is one of your best posts!
Life As Wife recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Hitching a Ride
Thank you!!! I really appreciate that!
I am SO sorry for the additional pain inflicted by the thoughtless, insensitive comments. You are absolutely right – pain is pain. Just because you have not endured for as long, or in the same way as someone else does not lessen the grief. I also received those same types of comments, and it only added to the hurt that I was already feeling. Infertility – in any form (diagnosed or not, secondary or not) – does hurt. The desire for more children/another child is good! And, in my opinion, it should make those of us who have dealt with it that much MORE sensitive and empathetic (not less!) to those who are struggling to conceive – whether it has been a few months, or a few years! Once again, I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. But, since I can’t, know that someone else has been there…has felt the sting of those remarks…and has cried MANY tears over them as well. And, know that I am praying for – as one who has been there.
Veronica @ A Quiet Heart recently posted..Worldliness
Thank you so much, Veronica. I couldn’t agree with your comment more. I think, if anything, I’ve gained a more sensitive heart toward this subject. My heart breaks any time someone mentions that they are having trouble/have had trouble getting pregnant. The desire for children is something that can’t be changed, controlled or lessened. And I appreciate the support that I have received through this blog from people, like you, who have walked this journey.
Amen – I know I just started in on this journey…but TTC can be very emotional. The waiting, the hoping, the questions, the overanalyzing…it’s stressful and where I am at in the journey…I can’t complain, I can’t question, I just have to wait. I nearly went to a baby board the other day but it terrified me. Girl you’re not alone.
Ashley Sisk recently posted..Sisk Family European Vacation: Paris, Day 3 – The Catacombs
Thank you, my friend. And I have to say, I look so forward to our little email chats about this. Being on this road of two week time frames is tough and emotionally draining. You know I’m ALWAYS here to chat if you need it!
Sweetest pleasure is also a pain but that’s just poetic. Pain stays but the wounds heal with time! The traces of pain are not easy to do away with.
Amy recently posted..Physical therapy assistant schools
How beautifully poetic. And such an important reminder! Thank you!
Twitter: LauraORourke
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I am so upset that you were hurt by comments. I wrote a similar post once and received similar comments that were hard to handle. Here is the thing: EACH of our pains are unique. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT for us to share our stories and our experiences. Why should we compare our pains and our struggles? Why should we, as mothers, who NEED each other’s SUPPORT, COMPETE?!
So here I am, friend to friend, mother to mother, saying I AM HERE FOR YOU. I am saying that your pain is justified and that your story is beautiful. I am saying that you have every right to feel your pain and to share your pain. And I am saying that no matter where I am in MY motherhood journey, I will cry with you for your pain and rejoice with you when you are able. I hope the majority of the women you meet treat you the same way.
Laura recently posted..Mommy Time Out
Thank you, Laura. You know that I value your friendship so much. We each experience pain in a different and individual way. It’s not something anyone can change about us or take away from us. If nothing else the hurtful comments have made me realize and acknowledge that EVERYONE suffers from something. And I hope I never become one of those people who belittles another’s struggle because I don’t understand it.
Twitter: AshlieWrites
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Well said, Courtney. I am so sorry your thoughts and feelings were belittled! I’m sure someone already said this, but those who posted that are likely posting a response out of their pain, too. People tend to be less sensitive and more rash when going through a tough time. (I’ve been guilty of this, for sure!)
It took us over 10 months to get pregnant with my first daughter, and while I know many have endured much longer or faced the heartbreak infertility (and my heart aches for them!), that was such a hard time for me. Every month was difficult. I have a dear friend who has been trying for almost 6 years to conceive. Although she is trying to trust God with it, I know her pain is great and hearing news of friends’ pregnancy is bittersweet.
I think we all should strive to have love and compassion for each other right where we are, even if we can’t relate or “feel” that our circumstances are worse, for whatever reason. You’re right, pain is pain…and to each person it’s their reality. It stares them in the face daily.
Ashlie recently posted..The God Margin {where miracles happen}
I think we’ve all been guilty of lashing out at others because we are hurting ourselves. It’s only natural, and I don’t hold the slightest grudge or form of resentment toward people who commented. I understand and realize that they would probably never say something like that, were they not hurting. And you’re right. We should all empathize, love and try to lift up others who are hurting, whether we understand it or not. Thank you for being so supportive and offering such a beautiful and encouraging word.
For the life of me I cannot understand why any person would be so cruel as to dismiss your pain and personal journey. Keep your faith and be upset when you’re upset, it’s important to know that everyone is fighting their own battles. There will always be someone who’s been through more difficult things than each of us, that doesn’t lessen the pain you’re feeling. When my Husband was on his second deployment a friend of mine’s Husband left for a month of training. Whenever she would call and say “I miss my Husband, this sucks” she’d always follow it up with ” I feel so bad for saying I miss my Husband when he’s only gone a month and your’s will be gone for a year” I had to tell her that I think it sucks when my Husband is gone for a week, she has every right to be upset and voice her pain. Just because someone isn’t going through the worst of the worst doesn’t mean it sucks less or is any less painful. I’ll keep you in my prayers!
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Thank you, Lindsey. You’re right. Each persons struggle is difficult for them for different reasons. We can’t pretend to understand or grasp what someone else is feeling until we have walked a mile in their shoes. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers! I appreciate them so much!
It is so hard to put yourself out there and then get negative comments. I have never understood the need to compare heartache. I have been told, more than once, that at least I lost my daughter when she was so young because it would have been much harder if she were older. I just don’t understand it. Who’s too say what pain is greater.
Sorry, I could go on and on. Just know I am thinking of you and hoping for the best. I’m here if you ever need me, we struggled for years to get pregnant.
Jessica recently posted..A Tribute to You
Who’s to make that kind of judgement on you anyway? I can’t believe someone would actually have the audacity to say something so selfish and unthoughtful to you! Losing a child? I can’t imagine…but thank you. Thank you so much for your encouragement, your prayers and your support. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
Twitter: hookdandhappy
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First, sorry to hear you had insensitive people comment. A lot of people didn’t understand how I felt when I wasn’t successful at getting pregnant the second time, and I often got similar comments you did – “Well you have JBird, why don’t you enjoy her?” I did, but that wasn’t the issue.
When I miscarried (twice, before Bird) people said the weirdest and strange, sometimes hurtful things. {If I hear “It was meant to be” ever again, I will probably punch the person who says it.} Really, I just needed a hug.
When we were trying for our second, it wasn’t easy. The first 3x times (incl. 2 m/c + JBird) I got pregnant 1st try, so I figured it would happen as I wanted it to the second time. I was wrong. By month 5 (6?) I was distraught. My doctor was going to “check me out” and told me not to try for a month. That was hard, and around NYE…. one bottle of wine later, and a disregard for Dr’s orders, and I got … lucky. 39 weeks later, Thumper was born.
I can’t stand that whole “it was meant to be” thing. Sheesh. Or the “when the timing is right” thing either. Those kind of comments don’t make anyone feel better. Not even in the slightest. Thank you for understanding.
I’m so sorry that people added to your pain. We’re not getting anywhere with our attempts either, though we haven’t been as focused as we might have been. I don’t think it’s ever fair to diminish someone else’s struggle. Where does that get anyone? If you said, “Yes, sorry. Your pain is worse than mine,” would that help the other person. Nope. So why tell you not to complain?
I just don’t get it. But I’m glad you were comfortable writing about it again. Always here to listen.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Impromptu Gratitude List, v1
Thank you, Robin. I don’t know what purpose that kind of mentality serves, either. I think most of those kind of comments are just made out of hurt, sadness and overall despair. Who are we to judge? Any of us? Each person is dealing with their own form of pain. And until we’ve “been there,” exactly where they are, we can’t understand it. And you know that I’m always here for you, too, my friend. Whenever you need someone to talk to.
Pain is Pain. Absolutely true. People say the wrong things – and I don’t think intentionally (usually). It’s an important lesson to learn in life. Mine might be a divorce. Hers may be crushing loneliness. Another’s may be wanting so badly to meet someone to go through life with and only wishing they had someone to share their bed with at night. And on. And on. What’s important is to respect exactly what the title of your post here says – Pain in pain and try to champion each other through. I wish you the best with your efforts at two little pink feet again.
I think we need to be sensitive to everyone’s situations out there….It’s hard for me for instance to fathom wanting a child that bad, but I totally support you and all the other women out there going through what you are….Stay strong!
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I love that you write about this topic. I am going to send this post and another related to it to a friend who struggles with infertility and miscarriages. She has often mentioned how she feels like there is an unspoken demand to be quiet about the issue. Thank you.
As you said it, pain is pain. Any disappointment is still a disappointment and you have a right to want another child. So I don’t get why people wouldn’t understand when you’re finding it difficult to conceive another child.
Dr_fomsky recently posted..Baby teeth: when is too late?
True words! I had a similar experience a couple of months ago when talking with a lady about my miscarriage. Her daughter, who I don’t know well, miscarried a few weeks before our conversation. I shared my story and then the lady asked, “was it your first baby?” (Her daughter miscarried their first after struggling with infertility.) I explained that this baby was my 4th. Her response was lukewarm and she quickly ended the conversation. I got the distinct feeling that because I already had children my miscarriage was somehow not as big of a deal as her daughter’s. Like my grief was less important. While I am the first to admit I didn’t have to struggle with the “what ifs” that come with losing your first, pain is pain. Grief is grief. No matter the duration.
I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with this issue AND how others react. I’ve gotten to the point in our now almost 2 year journey TTC that I just don’t bother telling anyone any longer. I hope the pregnancy fairy sprinkles some luck your way soon.
Happy SITS day!
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Yes, I’ve been there! With G, our only child so far, we tried for nine months. While it was agony for me, I did feel guilty feeling bad when I knew a woman who’d been trying for 5 years without success. But you’re right. In the moment, all pain is pain. I’m terrified that when we start trying for number 2 that it just won’t work. I am definitely grateful that we have G, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’d really like to be blessed with another child.
I wish you all the best, thanks for your words of encouragement and sanity.
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Well said.
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Really your speech makes me very sad. I agree with your concept. Now-a-days pregnancy is a boon for every lady. But every one doesn’t get that.I wish you all the very best. That you will definitely get pregnancy as soon as possible. My hearty wishes.Pregnancy week by week