I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem.
This is no secret to anyone who reads this blog. I’ve talked about it openly, admitted that I’m my own worst enemy, and have slowly come to a point where I’ve learned to love myself, accept myself, and embrace the person I was created to be.
But that didn’t come easily.
Or without a breakdown.
I owe my snap back to reality, to Megan Fox.
One of the harshest realities that I had to come to terms with when my son was born, was the fact that I would never have my exact pre-baby body back. Sure, I could get back to my pre-pregnancy weight with a lot of hard work and determination. But, as most of your with children know, your body changes shape entirely after having a kid. Things just don’t sit the way that they used to.
It was my first birthday celebration after the birth of my son…
The husband arranged several weeks in advance for our friend and neighbor, Lisa, to watch our baby boy (who was almost 9 months old). He took my shopping for a new dress, new shoes, mani/pedi and a fresh haircut.
I took two hours getting dressed than night. We were living in Florida, so my skin had a sin-kissed tint to it, my naturally brown hair was streaked with blonde from days out by the pool.
I was feeling pretty fabulous. I was back in my favorite pair of pre-pregnancy jeans (a size 5 from Express). I had picked out a coral and cream sundress that had thin halter straps and a cute pair of matching sandals for the occasion.
My husband told me countless times how beautiful I looked that night. When we dropped the baby off at the neighbors house, she even made the comment that Noah might be a big brother sooner than we had imagined if I wore that dress very often. I was beaming.
Proud of myself for losing the weight and getting back in shape. Confident in my appearance.
It was sure to be a good night.
And then the movie started.
We went to see Transformers 2 (which was my choice…I’m a total action/comic book/superhero movie kind of person).
I don’t know if you guys have seen it, but the directors made sure to include lots of screenshots of Megan Fox in all of her size 2, overly tanned, partially fake glory. Shots from below, behind, and, well you get the point.
Within the first 20 minutes of the film, my confidence was shot. My sweet husband, who had done nothing but tell me how great I looked, became the target of my bad mood. I held his hand lifelessly throughout the film, and spent 99% of the movie comparing myself to her. Everything about her screamed “gorgeous” and I felt like a lump sitting in that theater chair.
When the movie was over we went to Chili’s. My mood had turned so foul that I didn’t even want to eat. My husband ordered my favorite appetizer (those fabulous Bacon & Cheddar Fries…yum) and we sipped mixed drinks. He tried to make conversation, tried to be nice and enjoy our night together…
And there, sitting in a little corner booth, I totally lost it.
Cried into my plate (and all over those perfectly good fries). Totally and completely ruining the evening.
My poor husband didn’t know what was going on; what he had done (or hadn’t done) and didn’t know how to control my meltdown.
I knew I had change.
I had to get a grip.
That this was no way to live my life…hanging my head and comparing myself to everyone that walked by.
Especially someone as Photoshopped as Megan Fox.
I made a deliberate decision that night to learn to love myself in spite of, and because of, my “flaws” and imperfections.
A decision I haven’t strayed from since.
About Courtney
Twitter: mommaparrott
says:
Oh my gosh if this doesn’t describe me I don’t know what does. Thank you for pouring out your heart! It makes those of us out there that feel the same way a little better knowing we aren’t sharing this struggle alone.
Michelle Parrott recently posted..It’s Friday Ya’ll
Dang you Megan Fox. So funny, because I was watching Transformers today while I was nursing and thinking the same thing!! So often we allow ourselves to compare what we are to others instead of loving ourselves for who we are. We are blessed mamas and I’ll take that over an over tanned size 2 anyday!!
KK @ the mom diggity recently posted..1 month {zoey brooklyn}
Darn that Megan Fox! I have done that many times, many many many times. I have problems with my skin so I can’t tan and I have always (I’ve gotten better as I get older because I realize that, for me, it’s be pale or get cancer) compared myself to those that are more tan than I am and that usually goes with those same folks being skinnier than I am too! Geez, I think it’s the media, they did this to us, they made a false reality of what we’re “supposed” to look like…screw you media and Megan Fox!
Thanks for telling this, I know there are SO MANY out there that relate to you, I know I do!
Jessica recently posted..Comment on #editmechallenge by Branson
As a mom of three, I feel for you. After 16 years of marriage, this body of mine isn’t getting any better. I think it was only a few years ago I decided to love “what’s left of it” and stop punishing myself for not loving my body earlier (especially when it lacked stretch marks!)
I have always blamed the media for why us women go through such turmoil, but it’s not like they’re listening. So you’re right! It’s time we realize, we are good enough!
Suzanne recently posted..How To Pick Your Husband
I know what you mean – I try to put stuff like that into the FAKE pile and not take it so seriously. I think she looks trashy though so I guess I don’t care if I look like her. HA HA
Ashley Sisk recently posted..Shoot and Edit: Week 39 – Orange SOOC
This is such a struggle for me. I’m glad that you had an epiphany over your (delicious) fries. I try to appreciate my body for what it can do and treat it kindly, but I feel like acceptance of it is a journey I’ll never really finish. I’m working on it, and I will keep this post in mind as I do.
Thanks for linking at Just Be Enough.
Twitter: amy_willa
says:
Oh, Courtney! Thank you for sharing this story. I, too, struggle with my self-esteem (don’t we all in some way?) i LOVE the link to Just Be Enough. I will be checking that out soon!
Amy recently posted..Guest Post – A Love Letter to my Lovelies
dude, just think of how much you get to enjoy cookies & ice cream & she doesn’t! i mean, you actually maybe could look like her if you wanted to be completely miserable & live on rice cakes & water. and then spend all kinds of money to have some work done like her too… i think you will probably agree your life is pretty fabulous as is!
amy@agoodlife recently posted..a good life giveaway! – {Lilybaby Teepee}
I am the exact same way and, even though it takes a lot of work, iba learned to make peace with myself and that life is about so much more than what I look like. Glad you are too.
Jessica recently posted..This Is Grief
I DO NOT like Megan Fox. For that very reason. I struggle with acne. Really bad acne (it runs in my family) so that has always been something that makes me feel un-beautiful (is that even a word?), but I have learned to just move on, that no one is perfect. God created all of us beautiful, I think you are beautiful on the inside and out and it sounds like your husband thinks so too!
Glad you were able to make a good decision about this.
Kathryn recently posted..Subscribing by RSS
Beautifully and honestly written. I think most of us moms can relate to that craving and wishing for our pre-pregnancy bodies. We wrap so much into shape, size and weight that we forget why our spouses married us in the first place. We forget why we wanted this life of marriage and motherhood. You are not alone, my sweet lady. I hope that you continue to seek out support in all the most unconventional ways as well as remind others of their inner beauty. So glad to have found you through the link up!
Good for you for making the decision to change. We can’t spend our lives comparing ourselves to other people, especially those on screen. We will always feel terrible.
Jessica recently posted..Welcome to My Time as Mom
Kudos to you for standing up to Megan Fox!
I think we all can be our worst critique in every way but you are doing the brave things to know it has to change especially comparing ourselves to these celebrities.
Maureen | Tatter Scoops recently posted..I Am My Parents’ Daughter
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. It’s inspiring and motivating all rolled into one. It’s okay to kind of wish we had those Hollywood bodies, as long as we don’t aspire to be them immediately and recognize we rock because of who we are and not who they are – that’s what matters!
Andrea recently posted..I remember …
I also have fallen victim to comparing myself to celebrities on-screen while at movies with my hubs, so I can relate to this post on so many levels. Interestingly, my self esteem issues were worse pre-mommyhood. I still do have my moments but overall, I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am and that who I am is what my husband loves.
Jessica recently posted..My 7 Links: Seven Posts on This Blog You Should Read
Twitter: ccnoffi
says:
We just watched the new Transformers movie last night. I’ve never been a fan of Megan Fox. I fail to see what the fuss is all about with her. But when men are falling over themselves over a chick, no matter how fake or untalented, you can’t help but to compare yourself. I think it’s totally natural.
Courtney recently posted..Tuesday shots
Post-pregnancy you got into a size FIVE? Now MY self-esteem has taken a hit! I’ve never been a five!
I don’t think Megan Fox is attractive. Neither does my husband. Because have you ever heard her talk?
Imagine how you might feel if you were only valued for your looks, like she is.
Lindsey recently posted..Because nothing says “fashion-forward” like “maternity.”
I am so glad you were able to make that change! The entire first year after a baby is filled with emotional highs and lows. Who KNEW Transformers and Megan Fox would do that to you? Good for you for turning it into a positive.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Just What the Doctor Ordered
Why is a size 2 something to be envied? Think of all the chocolate she hasn’t eaten, and then you’ll start feeling sorry for her.
(I came here from the Just Be Enough linkup.)
Virginia recently posted..Just Be Enough: I know I have to
So glad that you focused on loving yourself after that…… I try, and on most days succeed to not compare myself or allow myself to feel inadequate because of others. But it is a constant struggle. Thanks for sharing your story as part of JBE!
Elena @CiaoMom recently posted..Adventures in Scotch Tape
Good for you! Megan Fox is a twat. You could be 700 pounds and still be more beautiful, and a better person, than she.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..I Believed Once
I think this is so important for women to hear. There will ALWAYS be someone that you could compare yourself to, but its so important to love the skin YOU are in! Such a fantastic post and reminder!! So glad I found this blog! The realness (if that’s a word) is so refreshing!!