Marriage Course: Army Style | Guest Post

Today, I’d like you guys to meet Lindsey from Campfire Song. She’s a fellow military spouse, mother of three kids all under the age of four, and has a FOURTH one on the way. Needless to say, she has her hands completely full. I met her through the kind and always encouraging comments she started leaving on my blog. She’s got a beautiful talent for writing and it’s no question that she is one of the most genuine people I’ve met through blogging.

“If the Army wanted you to have a family they’d issue you one.”

This old, only half-kidding, belief is something that our military is trying to phase out as most soldiers now have significant others and kids. Military life can be taxing to both the soldier and those he leaves at home, and our family hasn’t been immune to the negative effects of my husband’s constant absences. It’s a unique lifestyle mainly because of extended separations that are followed by extended periods of leave – there’s no 9-to-5 around here. Ever.

As my husband was military before we married, I don’t know any other life as a spouse. I don’t have anything to compare it to, but I’m pretty sure every married woman learns these lessons at some point.

Seven things that Army wife life has taught me so far are that:

1. God is real. If I wasn’t sure before my husband’s first deployment, I am now. He’s hit a few IEDs and ended up in some pretty unlucky medical situations over the years, but he always pulls through just fine. I don’t worry about him dying because God’s constantly proving that His protection is all over our family.
2. So is PTSD. And it needs to be treated. The “tough guy” persona that many combat arms personnel display is bologna – they’re human too, and many are overloaded mentally and emotionally. My husband and I have seen too many friends split from their partners, hurt loved ones (including pets), end up depressed and on medication, addicted to drugs and alcohol or even commit suicide because they didn’t get help. Fortunately outreach programs across the country are now exploding in number. Units are working harder to ditch the stigma around seeking help and impress upon their troops the importance of mental health
3. He needs space. I’m pretty sure this doesn’t just apply to my husband, who’s not much of a talker – my other military spouse friends seem to agree that deployment is followed by a (usually temporary, but sometimes permanent) personality change in their soldiers. I don’t understand entirely the complications of his job, and of course you can’t force someone to talk. If there’s a problem, though, encourage him to talk to someone.
4. Sometimes work needs to come first. Although I absolutely hate it, tour years are those times. Career-advancing courses and exercises usually take precedent over family too, and it can be pretty tough at times playing second fiddle to what I see as just an income. I remind myself that he sees it as a lifestyle and he couldn’t see himself doing anything else, and I try to fill the time he’s away with activities the kids and I enjoy.
5. Sometimes work shouldn’t come first. It’s been a struggle since we married to balance work and life – his job has been high-tempo with the war and he’s away about half the year, every year. We  both have regrets over anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases – even the birth of one of our kids he wasn’t able to be home for. It’s not worth it to either of us anymore to miss this stuff. Kids are young only once.
6. Yes, I CAN run an entire family by myself. But I don’t want to. I’ve learned to be quite independent and can now do all the housework, kiddo-raising, finances, and small-appliance repair without help. But, having that responsibility long-term actually makes it harder for hubs and I to get along when he returns home. It’s hard to go for several months with everything exactly your way, and then relinquish control of the chores to someone who misses spots!
7. I need to see him when he’s here. Carving out time to spend together with three noisy little’s in the house is difficult, but necessary. We become very used to spending our free time alone and have to focus on getting to know each other again after each chunk of time he’s away. The support my husband can offer when he’s here makes it a lot easier for me to handle him being away so much. I need to know I’m appreciated for holding down the fort in his absence. He also needs to feel admired by me and the kids and although sometimes I grow bitter about his absences, I’m working to show him that I’m proud of him.

Any marriage is just full of teachings that mature (and sometimes, prematurely age) us. Our lifestyles determine what order these lessons come in, but marriage as an institution seems to present universal benefits and challenges. One day I hope to be an old veteran at it, still happily married and able to offer sage advice to some young couple facing their first tour. In the meantime I’m looking for lesson number 8.

What lessons have you learned about marriage, whether as a military spouse or just a seasoned veteran at the marriage game?

*image from Campfire Song Blog. Make sure you also visit her on Facebook and Twitter!