My lovely, lovely friend Mandi is our Guest today. Mandy and I found one another long, long time ago when we were both little knowns in the Blog World and have since grown together into larger, more widely read sites. A resident of Alabama [and an Auburn fan. YUCK! 🙂 ], Mandi is a former perfectionist learning how to handle the sometimes not so perfect aspects of life, marriage and motherhood. Being the uber-cool lady that she is, Mandi has written a fantastic post about how important Sex is in marriage.
Quick! If you have kids around you may want to get them away from the computer! This post is rated PG13! Yowza! This post is about SEX!
It is so important in a marriage yet it is hardly ever discussed. Well, not today! We are bringing this out in the open! Did you know in 2006 Newsweek did a study that found 15% – 20% of marriages were “sexless”? Meaning, they had sex 10 or fewer times a year. I have heard of women going six or more months without having sex one time. Men need to have a “sexual release” once every few days so why are we women not giving our husbands what they need on a regular basis?
Sex brings your marriage closer, makes your partner feel loved, relieves stress, has many health benefits and is just plain enjoyable. So why are a lot of women letting moth balls eat away at their lingerie? I feel we have too many excuses. In this post we are going to look at four of the most common excuses we use to skip sex and see how we can start bringing some more action underneath our sheets.
“I don’t have any time left for sex”.
Make time. If you wait for it to just happen then chances are it won’t. We are busy moms even if you just have one child. It is tough taking care of children, keeping the house clean, making meals, keeping up with the laundry, running errands, going to church, having some kind of hobby and whatever else you do on a regular basis. For me, by 8pm I am wiped out. I am not exactly in the mood after a long day. Many times I would rather go right to sleep. It’s not going to just happen on its own. You need to plan for it. Even if you don’t physically write down your daily schedule you still have a tentative one in your head.
Either block out some time for your man on paper or do it in your head. Maybe the best time is in the morning for you. For me it is at night. So instead of working or watching television, I know at 9pm we need to head to the bedroom. Am I tired? Yes. Could I skip “it” and go straight to sleep? Yes. Do I ever wish I had gone to sleep instead? NO! If you can make time for dishes and laundry you can make time for your husband. Plan on a certain time and stick to it.
“It’s too hard to get alone time when you have kids”.
I will admit, this can be very tricky but it is possible. Growing up I would spend the night with my best friend all the time. I remember her parents had this rule: If the bedroom door is closed then do not bother her parents unless someone was hurt. My friend knew if she was to get her parents for anything when their door was shut and no one was in danger then she would be in big trouble. It was only after I grew up before I realized why they had this rule! It is definitely a rule for when your kids are a little older but even with babies and toddlers you can still find alone time. Your kids take a nap right? They go to bed a decent time right? What’s thirty minutes…. Or less? The two of you can spare that right?
Once after my husband came back from a business trip I set my daughter up with some Cheerios in her high chair and popped in a Baby Einstein. The video is about 40 minutes long and she was quiet the entire time. I don’t do that all the time but on special occasions you do what works!
“I’m just not in the mood”.
Want to know something? Most of the time I’m not in the mood either. I’ve had a long day and the last thing on my mind is sex. In fact, it feels like a chore… one more thing I need to do. But what if you were trying to talk to your husband about something important… something you had been waiting to talk about all day and before you could even start he told you to stop talking, he didn’t want to hear anything, he just wanted to go to sleep and the last thing he wanted was to hear your voice. Wouldn’t that be awful? I know it would hurt my feelings. What if you said to him that when he listens to you it shows that he loves you and he said he just wasn’t in the mood to make you feel loved?
That’s how you make your husband feel when you constantly turn down his advances. Men like sex but it is also a way for them to feel loved and desired by their wives. When you refuse sex to your husband you make him feel undesirable and unloved. So what do you do? Take a lesson from Nike and “Just Do It”. Sometimes it helps to take five minutes to freshen up, slip on something sexy, brush your hair and teeth and maybe spray some perfume on. It helps to “get your head in the game” so to speak. Even if you still aren’t quite in the mood then don’t worry. Chances are you’ll eventually get into it! Like I said before, I have never regretted it! Plus, when you give your husband what he needs and desires he will be more likely to return the favor by giving you what you need and desire (do the dishes, sweep the floor, etc….).
“I don’t feel attractive any more so how can my husband still want me?”
I can definitely relate to this! I still weigh 30 pounds more than what I did before getting pregnant and it’s been over a year since having my daughter! The weight is so slow to come off and in the meantime I can barely look at my body in the mirror. However, my husband, as much as he loves a slim and trim body, thinks I am one sexy momma! Your husband probably feels the same way about you. He doesn’t see what you see. He sees the wife he fell in love with and the wife that can still get his fires burning. My husband once told me it’s more about attitude than anything else. If you act sexy then you will be even sexier to your man. I know it’s easier said than done but there are some things you can do to make you feel a little sexier.
Exercise can actually make you feel better about yourself even if your body hasn’t yet changed. Take off the nursing bra and put on a red lacy bra once in a while. Pretty underwear can make you feel much better about yourself. Shave your legs! There is nothing sexier than soft and smooth legs. (Your husband will appreciate this too.) Put on make up in the morning and fix your hair. Or if you are like me do it right before your husband comes home from work. One thing I do is use gradual self tanner lotion. Having a nice color makes me feel pretty. Whatever makes you feel better about yourself do it so that your sexy attitude can come out more in the bedroom!
So what about you? Are you making excuses about skipping sex? If you are then STOP! Your husband loves you and needs you. But you also need your husband even if you don’t realize it. Make sex a priority in your relationship again. Shave your legs, dust off that lingerie, set a time for some action, lock your bedroom door and remember what it’s like to be lovers again and not just parents. Enjoy your time with your man and enjoy it often! You won’t regret it!
I’ll be honest. This was something that hubby and I initially struggled with a little bit right after Little Man was born. But after a few weeks of adjusting to life with a newborn, we made the decision to go right back to the sheets and make time for us. As Mandi said, it wasn’t and still isn’t always easy. Having a toddler running around all day, a house to clean, errands to run, a business to start up, a blog to manage…it’s not always the first thing on my mind.
But I notice that when we make the conscious effort to ‘be’ together, everything else in our marriage flows better too. We communicate better, argue less, and laugh more. Hubby and I both get uptight and stressed out with the different things that come our way, but we always push ourselves to enjoy one another and forget about the rest. I encourage all of you to examine this area of your lives and make the effort too. You and your husband will both be glad that you did. 🙂