…the last time that I laid down to go to bed and managed to get the “necessary” uninterrupted eight hours of sleep.
…the last time I went to the bathroom on my own with no one peeking in on me or standing outside the door asking if I was done. Or asking whether I was “going number one or number two.”
…the last time I sat down at the table (any table) to eat without stopping at some point during the meal to cut up someones food, to feed someone, or to take someone to the bathroom.
…the last time I wore high heels.
…the last time I enjoyed an adult beverage with my husband sans children.
…the last time I enjoyed an adult beverage period.
…what humidity feels like or what the ocean smells like. Yes, we live near the ocean. But our ocean in Alaska smells like fish. It doesn’t smell the same way that our beaches in Florida do.
…the last time that I put myself before someone else.
…the last time I really even felt like myself. I haven’t felt like me for a while and I blame a lot of it on living in Alaska and being so limited in everything. (More on this later…)
…the last time I got dressed up in anything other than jeans to go out.
…the last time my purse was just a purse and not a purse camera diaper suitcase bag…all in one.
…the last time I did anything just for me.
Being a mother is all about sacrificing. Doing without things for the betterment of your family…of your children. Everyone told me that going from one child to two would have its difficulties and I’m finding that to be an understatement. While I wholeheartedly love these little boys, and love everything about being their mama…I miss being able to just be me.
I struggled with finding that balance right after Noah was born, too. Learning to juggle what it means to be a wife and mother while being an individual. Now…I’m juggling the roles of wife, mother to two, preschool mama, business owner, writer and individual. I’m squeezing in as much “me” time as I can get when everyone goes to bed…staying up till midnight some nights just to be alone and enjoy adult television shows (and by “adult” I mean anything that’s not on Disney Junior) and write.
Or to stare at the wall and enjoy the silence. Or redesign my blog. Or just do something…anything that doesn’t involve parenting and mothering and care giving. Just something for me. For only me. Because I want to, not because I need to. Or have to.
I feel guilty sometimes. For getting frustrated and feeling like I deserve and need to be by myself (even though I know it’s normal and necessary for proper brain function). Because I’m grateful. I’m so beyond grateful for these boys and being their mama. For the opportunity to run a business and do what I enjoy while contributing to our family.
But I have to. I have to take the time to just be me. To just be alone. Else I’ll lose myself. And the last time that happened, everyone suffered.
So for now, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Being mama and wife and business woman and professional juggler and food cutter upper and bathroom usher and bedtime story reader and tucker-inner.
I’ll choose to forget what I can’t remember and focus on right now.
Because there’s going to come a day when all of these things that I’m doing now will be the “I Can’t Remember’s.
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Boy do I know how you feel! Here I sit at the computer — its midnight and I should be sleeping but I just HAVE to do something for myself.
Rachel recently posted..quiet adventures
This is exactly me. And truthfully, it hurts. I know that I need time for myself, to just be me, but I also don’t want to miss anything of the right here and now, because all too soon these will be the I Can’t Remembers. Know that you aren’t alone. And it will be ok.
Kimberly recently posted..Essence of Now: Busy, Busy, Busy…
This is so well written, Courtney, you’ve captured the essence of the struggle and conflicting emotions that all moms feel. As a husband to a wife who epitomized finding a proper balance of nurturing her kids and nurturing her own soul, I commend you and all moms that call a spade a spade and don’t fake the inner battles that ensue with time constraints and pressures. The good news, is that even though our last son is leaving our nest in a few months, we still remember (mostly) the wonderful days and nights of being parents at every stage…and, so will you. You have a gift of writing…keep using it! We’re the better for it. Blessings on you and yours.
The backwards undies photo is PRICELESS!!!
And, you’re right I can identify all too well. Sigh…
Tonya recently posted..Someday
When I sit down for “me time”, there are so many things I want to do at once that I can’t remember to finish any of them. I definitely agree that the focus needs to be on right now, but I know that if I don’t make time for myself, once in a while, it’s really hard for me to appreciate anything. I need that time to recharge and appreciate what I do every day!
Greta recently posted..Gluten Free Friday: Decadent Flourless Chocolate Cake
I love this and I totally agree! “I’ll choose to forget what I can’t remember and focus on right now.” Beautiful. You should make that into a meme and watch it circulate!
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) recently posted..Instead
Twitter: whatnowandwhy
says:
Professional juggling as absolutely the best way to describe it. Without putting ourselves first (at least on occasion) we wind up doing a disservice to everyone involved, especially ourselves. Working for the Coast Guard, I always find it interesting that the one thing reservists or Coasties on detail comment on isn’t the cold — it’s the smell of the water.
Hang in there. I’m glad you recognize what you’re missing out on but also realize the importance of reclaiming those things every now and then.
Arnebya recently posted..Book Review: Lisa Gardner’s Touch & Go
I think all mothers go through this, and I think part of the problem, for me anyway, is that when we say, “I miss being ME” is that we have to learn that that me is a different person now. It is okay to mourn for the old you, but you have to embrace the new you too. And I don’t mean just be a mom and a wife and everything to everyone else, but spend the time to learn who you are now and love that me too.
Jennifer recently posted..Dads, Kids, Fever, & Vomit
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
says:
Oh girl, do I KNOW this. Which is why I talked to my husband about it, and we’ve struck a deal. Any weekend that he’s free, he gets the kids for 2-3 hours, and I head out of the house, and do whatever I want. It’s made a HUGE difference to me, to the way I approach the kids, to the way I feel about my day-to-day. I love my children, but boy, do I need time for myself.
You’ll get there, a happy balance. Hang on in there.
Alison recently posted..Conversations With My Children
We definitely all go through this. I am constantly feeling this way… and being a WAHM is so tough. It’s so so hard to find the balance with it all. Oh… and “me time”??… that’s a luxury that is rare rare rare. We’re in the same boat, my friend. xoxo
Mandy@ a sorta fairytale recently posted..waving my white motherhood flag.
I love your blog layout – design, photos, everything. And I would like to hear about how you’re trying to make it work in Alaska. I feel like that too sometimes, although in my case it’s not so much the location, it’s everything else you mentioned – being a mom, the house, garden, work, writing, etc.
Lady Jennie recently posted..Gulliver’s Giants
Twitter: envoutant
says:
I’ve had many of these exact same feelings. Thank you for sharing!
Austin-Lee recently posted..Just Dance
Lovely, lovely -relatable- reflections.
Galit Breen recently posted..Love Letters