I know I have only been married for a few month, before all of you out there start with the whole “You haven’t been married long enough…just wait till things get hard…”ordeal. I understand that. I also understand that (1) marriage isn’t for everyone. (2) marriage is Hard work…something you strive every single day to perfect. (3) In my opinion, there is only 1 person out there for each individual.
Now that I have gotten that out there in the open, I wanted to follow up on the writings of last September. I previously questioned whether or not I thought that I would ever be able to open up and let myself get to know someone intimately, and be known intimately. I went through a lot of bad relationships…seriously, ask my sister. I was in a rough spot for a long time in my life, simply on account of one bad relationship after another. I was broken and hurt, and really just down on myself all the time. On top of worrying with guys, I was trying to decide what to do with my life, dealing with some issues with my parents…just a whole lot of junk going on at one time. I’ve always been on a much more mature level than most people my age, and I’ve always been equipped to handle a ton of things at one time, but I was just literally at my breaking point.
I think, now having met my “someone”, that there is that opportunity for us to let ourselves be known. But, I think that the only time that we should do that, is when we are sure and 100% trust the person that we are talking to. It’s a hard thing to break yourself down, let down that wall and be completely and honestly open with someone. It’s a feeling of vulnerability to really be known by someone. It’s like be exposed to the world. When you let someone get to know that intimate person that you really are, they have every arsonal that they need to break you down. It’s a subconscious fear by everyone…to be known…to be exposed…to be embarrassed.
It’s something that used to terrify me. I think everyone has at some point or another, had a mistake thrown up in their face and been ashamed of something they have done. I know I have. But, by allowing myself to open up to Josh the way that I have in the time we have been together, not only have I been able to forgive myself for a lot of the stupid things that I have done and the horrible mistakes that I have made, but he has helped me to discover more of who I really am…just by examining my own life and my own experiences.
It’s good to be guarded…until you can find someone to confide in. Someone to really and truly talk to without the fears and the pressures of being judged and being misunderstood. Until that outlet becomes available…seek out that venting place…that place to channel yourself. It’s such a release to be able to just “be” and not have to worry about the rest of the world. I guess I understand why people turn to meditation. Use art…use photography…use music. Who knows? Someone out there may be the next Picaso…or Ansel Adams.