I’ve been debating on whether or not to post this.
Pondered whether or not to allow myself to mull it over, dive into how I feel, and allow myself to talk about it.
I haven’t really told anyone. Except my husband. And my closest friends. We didn’t even tell our families. I’m not sure why, but I guess just because there wasn’t much to tell. When it happened, I spent several hours dealing with it on my own, and then I moved on. And up until today, I hadn’t thought much else about it (thankfully, by the grace of the good Lord).
You might have noticed a tweet a few weeks ago where I was asking for prayers for our family. My tweet mentioned something about not wanting to be disappointed. I had a few close twitter friends message me, knowing what my tweet was about and offering up support and prayers.
I took a pregnancy test.
It was positive. A very faint positive, but still there.
I was over the moon excited. Aunt Flo was three days late, and then entire month I just felt like things were different. I cut out my caffeine, started drinking more water and walking with the little guy. There was a nagging, subconscious feeling that I was pregnant. When my birthday party rolled around, I skipped out on the mixed drinks and opted for lemonade instead, not wanting to risk it.
I showed the test to the husband. He saw the lines, too. We started relishing in the idea of another baby. He was ecstatic. I sat on the couch and rubbed my belly, like I used to do with Little Man before he was born, and imagined life with a second child.
The next morning, for good measure, I took another test.
Big. Fat. Negative.
False positives are rare. So I shook it off, remembering what a hard time I had getting a positive HPT with Little Man (I was almost four months along before I ever got one). The hubs had duty that day, so we just decided that when I went up there to take him lunch, we would draw some blood and do a test (yes, he’s qualified to do that, before anyone gets all weirded out like Laura did. Hehe).
Big. Fat. Negative.
I had an emotional breakdown right there in the clinic. Makeup running, eyes swollen…the husband was freaked out and didn’t know what to do with me. I knew then what had happened and what was going on. I was having a chemical pregnancy. I’d experienced some pretty significant cramps and abdominal pain two days earlier and didn’t think much about it. I had severe cramps and backaches during the earliest stages of my first pregnancy, so I assumed it was normal.
That afternoon was nothing short of an emotional hell. I cried, and cried, and then cried some more. I loved on my baby boy like I haven’t done in a long time. I laid on the couch and took a long nap…rubbing my stomach again and imagining what could have been.
It felt like all of my hopes and my excitement had been flushed down a toilet. And my heart broke for my husband, whose over-the-moon excitement had made my joy and happiness over the positive test pale in comparison. There was relief in the fact that we hadn’t told anyone. Relief that our families didn’t know…that we didn’t get them hyped up about another grandchild only have it come crashing down again.
We still haven’t told them. And I’m sure they’ll probably be annoyed that I’m writing about it here, rather than telling them on the phone.
But, again, what is there to tell? What would there be for them to say, other than”I’m sorry” and “That sucks.” The actuality of it is, I don’t really want or need to hear those things. It won’t change anything. It will just serve to remind me that there is a little angel baby floating around in heaven for me to meet some day.
The husband and I haven’t really talked about it. And up until tonight, I really haven’t thought too much about it. It’s hard to wrap my mind around…that there was a baby, and now there isn’t. Especially since we never heard a heartbeat, never saw a sonogram. All we had of this little baby was two lines, and those evaporated…just like our hopes did.
Aunt Flo showed up at the end of last week…12 days late. So we’re onto another month. Feeling optimistic and trusting that the timing for everything is so much better when I’m not in charge of it. My best friend texted me yesterday to tell me that her and her husband are getting ready to try for a second baby. We’re hoping we get pregnant around the same time so we can share the experience of chasing toddlers and being pregnant together.
Thank you to those of you who offered up support and prayers for me during this. You know who you are, and you know how much I love you guys! And to our family reading this, don’t take offense that we didn’t blow up the phones to tell you guys that I was pregnant and then I wasn’t. We’re over it. We’re okay. We’re still trying. And, of course, we love you guys.
About Courtney
I know you weren’t posting this for sympathy or anything like that so I sort of feel funny offering it but I can’t imagine the heartache you felt and still feel, I’m sure. Take comfort in knowing that God is in control…that’s all that got me through TTC when with my son. I know how hard it is to see negatives month after month and then to finally see a positive, I’m sure you were over-the-moon just to be severely disappointed and heartbroken later. Feel free to let me know if you ever need to talk to anyone!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you, Jessica! TTC is definitely not for the faint hearted. I think this chemical pregnancy really opened my heart and my mind to the realities of miscarriages…both early and later on in life. I’m still coming to terms with it and part of me still doesn’t really even grasp the reality that there WAS a baby and now he/she is gone. It will take time, but I am just loving the one that I have as much as I can right now! Thank you for your friendship, girl. Means the WORLD to me!
Oh girl, I’m so sorry I really am. I have been right there with you with that awesome hope only to have them dashed by miscarrying only hours later. I’m sorry you have been carrying this burden almost alone, and glad that you feel you can share it now. It really does help to be able to talk to others about it after time has passed. Will be praying for you, and let me know if you want to talk, I have been there.
Kathryn recently posted..Five Stages of Pre-Deployment
Thank you, Kathryn! Like I mentioned in the post, it’s been a quiet burden…not something that has really eaten at me and until today I hadn’t given it much more thought. I think God has brought so much other into my life the last week or so to keep me occupied and allowed me to start healing. Sending prayers to you as well. This is not an easy road, no matter how long it has been.
I’ve been there. It totally sucks, breaks your heart, and leaves you wondering about what could have been. On to the next month, though! I wish you two luck!
Nicolasa recently posted..Too cute for words
Thank you, Nicolasa! Sending prayers to you as well! Are you guys still trying?
Oh man, how can I relate. Praying for you. Praying for understanding. This is so hard and I wish I had better words to help you through it
Trooppetrie recently posted..Summer Fun show off
Thank you! Just knowing that others can identify with what we are going through is so comforting.
So sorry to hear your sad news, Courtney. When the timing is right, it will be right. Trust in the truth and wisdom of that and take good care of yourself. ((hugs))
Heidi Smith Luedtke recently posted..Ten Reasons to Write Lists
Thank you, Heidi. I appreciate that so much. Taking care of myself and just continuing to try is all that we can do, right?
I can’t imagine seeing a positive and then it not happening. That would CRUSH me because of the last year and a half. I’m so sorry Courtney… as hard as it is… the “good news” (because it all still bites) is that everything is likely working… it’s good to know that you CAN get pregnant. I am sure it will happen soon for you.
Mandi recently posted..10 Lessons I am Learning as a WAHM
Thank you, Mandi! I couldn’t imagine trying for as long as you guys have only to have it not work out. It is gut-wrenching either way, but it’s a relief to know that we have just started trying again. Know that you guys are always in my prayers.
Twitter: naptimemomtog
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Praying for you. You are right about God’s timing.
Sarah recently posted..A smile starts on the lips…
Thank you, Sarah! I appreciate that!
I’ve had two pregnancies not work out, both early, both equally heartbreaking. Praying that you recover emotionally and that you are blessed with a sticky bean soon.
Julie @ mamamash recently posted..You’re my survival, you’re my living proof
Thank you so much, Julie! Sending prayers to you as well! I don’t think a loss like this something you ever truly get over. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in this journey.
Oh, I’m so sorry.
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Thank you, Lisa!
I’m so sorry that you have to go through. Sending prayers.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: When I Let You Be Hurt
Thank you, Shell! I appreciate that!
Oh Courtney. My heart and prayers and love go out to you.
Take comfort, if you can, in knowing that you are not alone. That so very many of us have had similar experiences.
Lizzi S. recently posted..Tweet Tweet {Sweet Shot Tuesday}
Thank you, Lizzi! That means so much to me! And I know that there are so many others who have walked this road as well.
Love you sweet friend.
Thank you, my dear friend! Love you to pieces as well!!
Twitter: LauraORourke
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Thank you so much for writing this Courtney. You completely know how I feel about sharing these feelings and emotions. It helps others not feel so alone when *they* go through this. You have done a beautiful and brave thing by sharing this. Thank you.
I don’t know what to say. I’m right there with you friend. I am grieving for your family’s lost baby. I am grieving beside you as I (continue) to work through my own pain. I am praying for you and loving you and sending you all the baby dust I can.
I bet our babies are playing together in heaven.
Laura recently posted..He Laughed
I bet they are, too.
I can picture that so beautifully. Sitting on a cloud somewhere…or on the lap of Jesus. What a peaceful thought to know that our babies are resting in the arms of someone much greater than we are. I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers as you work through your grief. Miscarriage is one of those things that you can only sympathize with until you’ve been there. And I can honestly say now that I really can grasp what you are feeling. Love you, my dear, dear friend!
I had a chemical pregnancy before I got pregnant with my son. I was pregnant for 4 weeks 5 days before I lost that baby. I got the positive tests, and didn’t know until the blood came. It was devastating and heartbreaking. I never thought i’d get over it. But I got pregnant with my son a month later, and now i have him and my gorgeous daughter.
I never forget about the baby I lost. But I know that I might not have my daughter had that baby survived. Stopping by from PYHO.
Lisa recently posted..PYHO: Negativity
There is always some tiny sense of optimism in something like this. Like you said, you might not have your daughter if you hadn’t have lost the other baby. I feel the same way. We don’t have a second child yet, but I know that I will love him/her beyond measure…and know that I won’t be able to picture a life without them when they arrive. Maybe I’ll have luck like you and this next cycle will be it for us.
I hope it does work our for you to share this next pregnancy with your friend! Good luck!
liz recently posted..Another Chapter in the Book
Thank you, Liz! I appreciate that!
Oh my sweet friend, I am so very sorry. As a woman who faced and dealt with infertility for 4 years I know how hard those BFNs are and how much they can take from you.To anyone who wants a child, the mere idea of one is a gift and losing it to a on time Aunt Flo or a CP , an early m/c is toture and so hard to explain. I love your choice of words..evaporated hope because that is what it feels like.
Wishing you tons of babydust for your next cycle…and hugs until then.
Kir recently posted..PYHO: Remind Me
Oh I am so sorry for your struggles with TTC. I can’t imagine. Those BFN’s are daunting and really drain the life out of you. We made, well…I made…the decision to not test this time until way after AF is late (if she is). If I have another chemical, I would rather not know about it. Sending prayers of comfort and peace to you as well my friend!
I had an early miscarriage (not sure about the term chemical pregnancy?). I was 5 weeks along and had just found out the week before. We hadn’t been trying…actually, we had been trying very hard to NOT get pregnant. After the shock wore off, we were SO excited. We felt like God wanted us to be pregnant! Then, a very short week later, I started bleeding. I spent an entire day running all over town to every clinic I could find to try and get someone to help me. Everyone told me the same thing…there was nothing they could do. I was devastated and a couple of blood tests, 2 agonizing days apart, confirmed the news. We hadn’t told our families either, we were waiting for Father’s Day weekend to share the news. I’m honestly glad we never told them because they knew we were “done” having children and knowing how they operate, I would’ve probably said somethign I’d regret once they responded in their own “speical” way! We never even told our other 2 children and I still feel very guilty about that. I did tell a couple of very close friends. One was very supportive since she had gone thru several miscarriages and reminded me that she’d had 3 children since then and that if it was supposed to happen, it would happen again. Another friend was trying to be supportive, but said all the wrong things and it threw a real wrench in our friendship…until she suffered her own miscarriage a few months later. At that point I stepped up and cried with her and we dreamed that our angels were having a tea party in Heaven…just waiting for and watching over us. I don’t know that I’ve said anything to help you…I just wanted to share my experience. It’s such a helpless feeling, but it does get easier. Every year on what would have been the dute date, I have a good cry and dream…and then I move on and shower my other children with love and hugs. I’ll be praying for you and your family!!♥
I can identify with that situation completely. It’s hard when you feel like you don’t have them to turn to. It most definitely brings out a new appreciation and understanding for those who have experiences a miscarriage. It’s one of those things that you can sympathize with and offer your condolences for, but never understand until you’ve been there. Thank you for your prayers!
Twitter: playdoughcarpet
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I’m so sorry that this has happened. Thank you for sharing with your readers. It helps us know how to pray for you (and I do pray for needs that I see online as well as in “real” life). I pray for peace and comfort for you and your hubby in the loss of your precious baby. ((hugs))
Robin recently posted..Hope in the storm…
Thank you so much, Robin! I pray for all of my “online” friends as well on a daily basis….keeping notes and adding their requests to my prayer journal. Thank you for your prayers!
I’m so sorry. Know that my thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you.
It’s all in the right timing. It will happen for you, I’m sure.
Kimberly recently posted..In a Moment
Thank you friend! I can’t tell you how much the prayers and support mean!
Oh hon, I am sorry, because I have been through a miscarriage and I know that it’s painful. My miscarriage was early, I was about 6 weeks, maybe more, but it was enough to know there was a life, a baby growing inside of me. And it was physically painfully going through it. I started spotting and bleeding and went to the hospital and they confirmed I was having a miscarriage, and told me to come back on Sunday to get my blood drawn to make sure, Sunday came and they said my HCG levels had increased, so I wasn’t having one after all. But then Monday night came and I was at work, and starting experiencing the worst pain and cramping I’ve ever had and I was bleeding, so I went to the hospital again and in the yucky ER bathroom I passed a really large clot, and then the pain just stopped. And I knew. And there was nothing I could do or say or change it. I was really heartbroken. I felt like I had done something wrong…even though I knew I hadn’t, I still felt like I had, you know? But I am sorry you are going through this pain, and I am here if you ever need prayer or want to talk.
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Thank you, Jennifer. And I am so, so sorry for your loss as well. I didn’t make it into this one but a few hours, but the unbelievable cramps and pain that I had for a few hours were enough for me to know what was happening. I spent a little over an hour nearly doubled over in agony. I felt like I was in labor all over again. I knew then what was going on. I started spotting about 3 days later and then had a seriously heavy “visitor” right after. Mothers can tell. We know when something is different and not right. I knew there was a baby. I could just feel it. I’ve kept myself busy the past week or so and have started coming to terms with it. We’re onto another month now and I’m keeping my head up and trusting in someone so much bigger than me. I appreciate your prayers and support!
Courtney, I am so so so very sorry. I know my words can’t take away the pain of this situation and somehow saying that I am praying for you seems empty but my heart is sincere and I will be praying for you and your hubby during this time.
Paula@Simply Sandwich recently posted..School Prep for First Timers
Thank you so much, Paula! I appreciate your support and your prayers. The pain won’t go away, but knowing that I have the support of my friends is so comforting!