I have a confession to make…
living in Alaska has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
The summers here are beautiful and shiny and bright and full of sunshine and warm air (sometimes). Summer is full of camping and hiking and taking walks and trips to the park. It’s full of open windows, cool breezes and lots and lots of sunshine.
But winter?
Winter is hard.
Winter is dark and grey. Multiple shades of grey. 50 Shades plus. Easy. It’s bleak and dreary. It’s rainy and cold and full of howling wind, snow, rain, and ice. It’s black and charcoal colored. Full of gravel covered roads that have been covered to help with the ice. It’s dry and damp at the same time.
It’s difficult to be here…to be so far from home as it is. But winter makes it all the more difficult.
Winters out here bring out all of the negative. It brings out all of the insecurities and the bad habits. There’s no motivation, no desire to get out and go anywhere. There’s no internal drive to do anything. Even getting up out of the bed every day is hard. Crawling out of bed when the sun doesn’t come up until almost 10:00 am is next to impossible.
Finding the energy to put 100% into work, or cleaning, or exercising…is a full time battle.
And this winter has been harder than most for me.
Maybe it’s a mix of winter added on top of the post-baby blues. Whatever it is, I’ve had a hard time overcoming the slump this year. I’m lonely despite being surrounded by my wonderful boys (all three of them) and some close friends.
I’m tired, despite Jonah’s increasingly more routine sleep schedule and the occasional day time nap.
I’m feeling gloomy and insecure because I can’t find the drive or the motivation to make a go at losing these last 10 pounds and toning myself back up.
I know that we’ll come out of winter soon. The days are already getting longer. In fact, we’ve gained two hours of sunlight in the last month alone. The rain seems like it might be trying to let up a bit lately. We’ve seen more sunny days and the surge in Vitamin D already has me itching to get out more and do more.
We’re planning our first trip back to the lower 48 this summer. A trip home to see the family we’ve been missing since we left Alabama in January 2011. A trip to the beach to soak up as much sunshine and humidity as we can. A few visits to the lake and amusement parks and baseball games. Anything and everything to make a go at a “normal” summer before we come back to Alaska to finish out our final year in the “last frontier.”
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the horizon and the end of this long, drawn out journey. And I’m thankful.
Thankful for the opportunity to live and experience Alaska, even if it hasn’t been my favorite of experiences.
Thankful for the chance to photograph and take in what I consider to be one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen…even if I would have rather visited instead of lived here for almost four years.
Thankful for the friends we’ve made and the memories that life here has brought.
But I’ll be glad to go. I’ll be glad to make my way back to the lower 48. Back towards sunshine and an existence full of bright colors and contrast and warmth. Instead of being surrounded by the 50 shades of Grey that the Alaskan winter brings.
Thanks to all of you who offered up encouragement via Twitter, blog comments, and direct emails after I mentioned that I was struggling a bit right now. After my dip into PPD when Noah was born, I’ve been a lot more conscious of my triggers and aware of what is going on with my emotions. I appreciate everyone’s genuine concern! You guys make me smile!
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That must be so tough. I moved from a place that was grey all winter to one that’s cold and snowy but sunny. Cold and snowy and grey would be a really hard combination. Here’s hoping that light finds you again.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Newborn Know-It-Alls
This has been a hard winter for me, too, but I’m nowhere near surrounded by the environment that you are. I can’t imagine living with such a lack of sunlight….sometimes it’s the only thing that makes the cold bearable to me. I hope you have a good, warm, sunny, hot summer and a tolerable last year way up north.
Greta recently posted..Project 365 (Week 6)
Twitter: LauraORourke
says:
So much love for you.
All of it is hard. I get it. Living next to the ocean here in Canada is a lot of the same. Lots of dreary, cold, rainy, foggy, and snowy days. Lots of people deal with SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Top it up with all of the post-baby feelings and the exhaustion and the extra work that comes with being a Mom. It is dang near impossible to get through each day unscathed.
My hope for you is that you will cover yourself in grace. Remember that it took you 9 months to get ready for this baby. You’re allowed (at least) 9 months to get back to normal afterwards. Don’t fret about those extra 10lbs. (I’m still dealing with my extra “let’s call it 10″ lbs). And don’t put so much pressure on yourself in other aspects too.
You’re awesome and beautiful and insanely productive and have an incredible perspective. Love and grace to you, friend.
Laura recently posted..MomsReading Housekeeping
Twitter: AskDocG
says:
My husband spent 3 summers working for the Forest Service in Alaska before I met him. He STILL wants to go back and winter there. And, wow – I want to support him but I don’t wanna do it! You are making the best of a hard situation, these are very real problems. The only thing I can think to say is heartfelt – thank you and your family for your service and sacrifice.
Twitter: whatnowandwhy
says:
If I’m hating 40 degrees and occasional sunshine in DC, I can only imagine how the cold and grey days of Alaska would affect a person, especially with a newborn and the time it takes for our bodies/emotions to get back in sync. I’m glad you’re in tune with your triggers and are writing it out. You have no clue how many people you may touch/help with this post. And I’ll echo Laura: you are a beautiful, amazing person, wife, and mother. Your design and photography skills are kick ass and your writing, especially writings that evoke such feeling (like this one) is excellent. Hang on.
Arnebya recently posted..Sometimes
Oh honey. Big hugs to you. I have no idea how you’ve managed, and I’m sure it is unbelievably hard. I wish I had some really good advice, but all I can say is watch the height of the boys. As they grow by leaps and bounds you will see that the next year will fly.
Jennifer recently posted..Homework Is Evil
Twitter: est14062012
says:
I just realized that I’ve been following your blog basically since you moved to Alaska, which means that I’ve been reading your posts for over two years! You have grown so much as a business owner, a mom, a woman … I hope your visit down south again restores your spirit and touches your soul. Sending prayers and warm thoughts your way!
Elizabeth recently posted..cultivating peace
Hang in there Mama! I know it’s very hard to live in a cold place like that! When we were stationed in Misawa, Japan. I felt that way my very first winter there. I was over 7000 miles from home and alone, no boyfriend, no family, no body. I didn’t even have any friends when I first got stationed there. It was so scary and dreary and sad. I’m shocked I made it on the other side honestly. But slowly I began to build that military family and found my future husband. Did the winters there get any easier? No….but having love and friends around me made each winter there a lot better. I’m glad the weather is getting better there!!!! I’ll send you some sunshine from Tucson!! (But not today because we are having “winter weather” which is a very small chance it’ll snow for like 10 minutes…)
Dina recently posted..The Liebster Blog Award and a Feature on Clickin Moms!!!
Oh, winter is hard for me too…and our winters are nothing like yours. I love your honesty and I’m glad you can express it so openly. xo
Natalie recently posted..Where I’ve Been This Week 2012: Week 7
I know what you’re going through. The first few winters in Alaska were very hard on me. Before leaving after 12 years, it was still hard every winter. Sending you lots of good vibes to get you through this winter. Sunshine in the future!
Nikki Brown recently posted..Friend Makin’ Monday
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
says:
Hugs, my friend. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be, I live in tropical weather where I complain about the heat, how muggy it is, and those damn mosquitoes. Now, I need to appreciate what we’ve got going here.
The good thing about winter? It passes. Spring is just round the corner. Hang on in there. Let the glow of your computer know that you have people out there, rooting for you. xo
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured February Linkup, And Some News
Yes, hugs Courtney. When I think of Alaska at first I think of the beauty that you mention, but the day after day of gray….who would that not affect? I’m not much of a winter girl myself so I completely understand the NEED for warmth and sunshine–if only for a very short time, every so often. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I think it’s more than awesome that you can get yourself to look at the goodness that awaits and to have things to look forward to. xoxo. Your online community is here for you certainly.
Sarah @sundayspill recently posted..the sunday spill: the blood curdling type
Twitter: amy_willa
says:
Oh, Courtney! <3 hugs. You are one of the most upbeat, successful, beautiful people I "know" (because we actually haven't met in person. . . yet! I look forward to meeting you this summer when we move to Kodiak! (or will you be in the lower 48 when we arrive in July?)
Everyone has that feeling with the grey days. The snow is melting after this New England blizzard (although I think we're supposed to get MORE on Thurs), and I'm looking forward to SPRING as well! Let Him cover you in His grace, and take your burdens. You are strong and wonderful!
Amy Willa recently posted..Sewing Leotards. . . a new challenge!
Twitter: ConnieDudziak
says:
Much love & hugs to you my dear. Praying you find some peace & clarity in this fog. You are beautiful & brilliant and I know this too shall pass for you
Connie recently posted..2013 Is Going To Be BIG!
I lived in Alaska for about 5 years, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. I also moved there because of my husband (now ex-husband), and had a difficult time with being so far from my family. I’ve been back in Michigan for 4 years now. I am glad I had the experience, because it definitely taught me a lot, and there are actually some things that I miss. (But not that many things. Haha)
For me, the hardest months were November & December. I really looked forward to February – you’re in the home stretch. Within a couple weeks it’s going to be light out till almost 7pm! And in April it’s going to be light out till way after 10pm!
All you have to do is get through the next month and a half, and it will be so light out! The moose will be having babies, and those little moose are so cute. The tourists are going to start trickling in. You’re going to see your first fireweed of the season. I love April – August in Alaska!
I know you’re in Kodiak, but if you ever get up to Soldotna, go to Kaladi Bros Coffee and to Jersey Subs. Those are two of the things I miss. (A lot.)
Good for you for being thankful for the experience. I’m not sure I could be as much! But those of us in the South will welcome you back with open arms!!
Elaine A. recently posted..GWL
It’s such an interesting perspective and glimpse into a live I can’t even really imagine having lived in South Florida for almost 18 years. I miss the sun when it’s not out and it’s usually only a day or two at a time. I wish you all the best for this last year and hope that when you are done you’ll find a sunnier and warmer climate. Sending you lots and lots and lots of sunshine!!!
Susi recently posted..Picture Perfect Weekly #7